Jake at Christmas 2009

Invisible things

I love the invisible things that pull at your chest in an achingly beautiful way. Those unseen and unnamed things that fill a person up and spring forth peace from an elegant nothing, making it something meaningful.I like the quiet urgings of hearts caught unaware. When something akin to magic touches you, you can't see it, can't name it, can't define it and yet it becomes everything of who you are. Time stops and your soul is searching, reaching out for everything, for those invisible and unnamed things that answer all questions before you even knew to ask them. I like the feeling of being totally emotionally honest, so vulnerable it hurts and with a beauty the eyes cannot behold. It is only a place brave enough for the soul. I like the feeling of having no future but only this moment, this now, this nothingness. It breaks a person to have nothing like that and it breaks them in such a complete way they own the universe in an enormous way. I like the meaningfulness of the empty mind and overflowing heart. It is a beingness that allows only truth to exist. I like that love given to another is a gift to the self. A gift that needs no agreement but only acceptance. I like that you will read this and know the truth. You are loved so deeply and purely and with such intensity that it begs a moment of silence in order to be savored, a moment of reverence I have reserved for you.

Virginia: SB 1260 died on the floor of the Senate last night.....

Dear Autism Advocates,
Late last night, our bill, SB 1260 (HB1588) died in the Senate due to some nasty behind the scenes politics. This is the end for this session but the game is not over. This is just round one. First, we want to thank our sponsors in the House and Senate. Without them, we could not have hoped to have any legislation introduced. Second, we want to thank all of the parents, friends, family members and persons on the spectrum that called, wrote, prayed, drove, spoke, and lobbied on behalf of this bill. Third, we want to thank Autism Speaks for their leadership and encouragement through every step of this battle.Everyone must be assured that this defeat only serves to strengthen our resolve. WE now know the war will be hard fought and long. We will not give up. We are committed to regrouping and planning a year long lobbying effort to culminate with the introduction and ultimate passage of a bill in the next legislative session. Hang in there with us and keep watch for information and how you can help us educate the public and the legislators about autism and the support our families need.There are also legislators that we need to support in their re-election and many that we need to work for their defeat. As a part of our lobbying effort, many of you need to communicate with us the name of candidates you identify in your districts that support our issue. We can't win with the current balance of power.Lets start talking about lessons learned and how we will move forward! Don't give up and keep watch for information of how you can help push forward insurance coverage for autism therapies. I feel pretty passionately about this.

I am not for socialized medicine; but knowing the FDA allowed my son to be injected repeatedly with toxic levels of mercury (Thimerisol) in childhood vaccinations makes them criminal in my opinion. They should be doing something more to help these children. When Jake was first diagnosed, there was not any treatment covered by insurance. My average out of pocket expenses were between 20 and 30 thousand dollars a year and that was just Autism therapy like speech, and that was with exceptional medical insurance. Ah, but hey....I guess this left some more money in the budget for supporting welfare moms who pump out baby after baby and sit on their ass all day, feeling like they are owed something or to promote and pay for abortion in our country and others. Hideous!!! ARRGGGHHH!

Your favorite Pixie.

That sums up my grace.

On a Rant!!!

I was just reading the blog of a friend Shelly Reynolds, another single mom with a son, Liam,who has Autism. She and I have had this same conversation for years now. The last time was on Capitol Hill when we went to every office of the House and Senate to discuss the issue of Thimerosal in vaccines. Jake was with me and he was on a mission. "Pissed off because Mercury is in his body and made him sick." Jake is still pissed off about it, and he is self advocating. I am so proud of my little man. I think sometimes I try to focus on Jake and not get wrapped up these days in the fight against Thimerosal, because it just hurts so much to spend that energy being mad and it takes time away from me helping him directly. Looking back to the little battles we have won over the years makes me want to do more and help more. Jake is doing remarkably well. I am so blessed to be his mother. So, I am going to make sure my friends know about Thimerosal and about Autism, but I am not going to let it hurt us any more. We are moving forward and Jake is getting better everyday. He is everything to me, and more!!!I am not one of the whacked out Autism mom's who "they say" is against vaccinations....none of us are against vaccinations. We are against a Mercury based preservative that is in vaccines that I BELIEVE caused my son to be on the Autism spectrum. I am the mom who tracked and noted every tiny event in Jake's life, spent every moment with him knowing his soul and watcing him develop. Jake was born perfectly fine, healthy, in tact. I can trace the moment of his mercury poisoning to the day. He was innoculated for a second series of shots and within 16 hours came down with a fever of 104 degrees and was diagnosed with Roseolla, a form of Measles. It was like someone switched off he light. I have it on video....every day, hours each day of video footage showing my perfect baby slip away. So, call me crazy if you must, but I know what I know. For my friends who know Jake, I know you see what I do. A young man who is all heart. Smart, considerate, funny and moving beyond his diagnosis. Thank you for loving him and being his friend. It makes it really easy for me to know who my real friends are and to see the love in all of you shine through. Jake sees and feels that too.
Ok, so read about Thimerosal and tell me WHY would anyone inject this into the bodies of infants or small children. Wh would we inject it into anyone? Why the hell does the FDA warn us about eating too much fish when they pump us full of this? Thimerosal is a mercury-based preservative developed in the 1930s that has been used in as many as 50 vaccines. In the 1982 Federal Register, an expert panel at the FDA reviewed thimerosal and found that it was toxic and caused cell death. The FDA called for its removal in over the counter products. Additionally, In 1999, the FDA stated that mercury exposure from vaccines exceeded Federal Safety Guidelines. Government officials admitted they were "asleep at the switch" when they failed to add up the cumulative exposure levels as new vaccines were added to the early infant vaccination schedule in the early1990's.A decade ago, the rate of autism was 1 to 2 per 10,000. Centers for Disease Control (CDC) research now indicates that one in every 150 children now have autism. The dramatic rise in autism rates correlates with the increase in mercury exposure. Thimerosal was first marketed in the mid 1930's. Autism was first described as a new, never before seen disorder in 1943, in children born in the 1930's. Neurodevelopmental disorders such as autism have similar symptoms to those of mercury poisoning.Thousands of families have reported that their normally-developing children changed after receiving mercury-containing vaccines and began displaying symptoms that lead to a diagnosis of autism. The symptoms of autism not only mimic those of mercury poisoning, but children with autism have been found to have more mercury in their bodies than typically-developing children.
In March, 2001, the FDA issued a statement warning pregnant women and young children not to eat fish containing high levels of mercury for fear of causing neurological problems in children. Yet, the CDC's National Immunization Program has continued to allow these same sensitive populations to be exposed to mercury from routinely administered flu shots which contain more mercury than seafood.The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) recently closed down schools when it was discovered that air mercury levels were at 30mcg/m. (EPA's action level in the air is 1mcg/m). Yet infants injected with multiple mercury containing vaccines in the 1990s received up to 187 mcg during the first six months of life. A typical dose received by a two-month old who received three mercury vaccines was 125 times EPA's daily allowable exposure levels .In 2001, the Institute of Medicine (IOM) stated it is "biologically plausible" that Thimerosal in vaccines caused autism, ADD/ ADHD and neurodevelopmental disorders in general.Mercury, having been acknowledged as one of the most neurotoxic substances on earth, must be fully investigated to determine its impact on the population's health and to identify treatments for affected individuals, as well as establishing much needed safety standards. Mercury in medicinal uses, created via industry emissions, in the waterways and food chain of our planet must be reduced. SafeMinds is committed to funding research that lends itself to these goals and has historically furnished research that continues to support the need for these investigates, as well as the harm of continued exposure to mercury.

That's our guy!!!

Jimmy returned to the ring last night after a long absence from a shoulder injury, by winning a 10-round unanimous decision over Grover Wiley! All of the usual crowd showed up...a few missing, at the George Mason University Patriot Center in Fairfax, VA. Jimmy used precise jabs and was looked good and strong. He was able to land strong body shots throughout the fight and dropped Wiley with body shots in the fourth round. Jimmy has been Jake's "best friend" since he was 9 years old. He is a truly a "goodfella" and a great father and friend. We have years of memories with the Lange family...vastly expansive as it is. They always have a way of pulling us into the fold and making us feel like we are part of them. LOL! That can be a little daunting if you know what I mean. Congratulations Jimmy on a great fight! Give kisses to Jack, Angelo and Talia!!!

One more reason to kiss! Like we needed another...

The extra saliva from a deep kiss helps regulate plaque and prevent tooth decay!

Get kissing-Doctor’s orders!

Jake-ism of the day "Knee Pit"

Jake and AJ were just playing on the deck. AJ kept jumping up and trying to get the ball and at one point he started licking Jake which makes him laugh and drop the ball. Smart puppy. Jake started cracking up and told me that AJ licked his "knee pit." Have you ever heard that one? I started laughing so hard. I guess if your arm pit is designed the way it is, then the area behind the patella could certainly be referred to as a knee pit. I guess telling him that it is actually called the "Popliteal Fossa" is not necessary.

What great snugglers they would be!!!!

Jake and I spent the day at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo on Saturday, and I am crazy about the Grizzly Bears! They are amazing! I have always loved bears the way Jake loves elephants. These fellas were so HUGE and so cuddly "looking." My friend, who is an avid sportsman, has been strongly advising me not to feed the bears. Today, I had a lesson in animals and pheromones. I learned there are times when girls should not go camping unless they have a fearless and protective guardian with them in their tent. The risk taker in me would like to insist on camping. I want to test one of the theories...not the one where the bear actually tears into the tent. ;-) I have a feeling Jake and I have a new favorite hangout. Cheyenne Mountain Zoo is very hands on, interactive and beautiful. This makes National Zoo look like an institution. I LOVED this day. Everyday, I find another reason to love Colorado.

Sharing a story....and checking out those eyes!!!!

The Mighty Quinn

September 18, 2008
Edited by Debbie McGoldrick

IRISH American actor Aidan Quinn – emphasizing the Irish part, as he spent a chunk of his childhood in Ireland and has worked on several films there – spoke to the Sunday Independent last week about lots of interesting matters, both career and personal. But he really stood out when talking about his 19-year-old autistic daughter who doesn’t speak. Ava Quinn has, however, been a joy to her parents, Aidan and his wife Elizabeth Bracco (sister of Lorraine Bracco of Sopranos fame.) But it surely hasn’t been easy for the family, which also includes a 10-year-old girl. Ava was, according to her dad, a perfectly normal baby, until she got vaccinated.“So we had a normal child that was walking, talking, doing everything way faster than she was supposed to. Then, after an MMR, she got a 106 fever and turned blue and woke up the next day with dark circles and not knowing who she was. And uncoordinated. And her arm lifted up. Of course the doctors are all saying, ‘Oh, that’s normal.’”The horror must have been unbearable, but the family persevered. The worst, Quinn recalled, was seeing his child “crying uncontrollably and in pain and nobody can tell you what to do to help. And there is nothing showing up on any of the tests. But you know your daughter is in pain.” Today, Ava is doing okay, and has a special friend in her life. “She does have a guy that she grew up with, that she’s very keen on and they are very keen on each other. And they do give each other ... it is delight seeing them together, these two autistic adults now. “And when they are together, the way they eye each other out of the corner of their eyes and laugh at each other. My daughter doesn’t really speak. So sometimes you’re guessing at what’s going on.”Quinn is currently in Co. Cork filming The Eclipse, by the noted playwright Conor McPherson. It co-stars Ciaran Hinds.

Steel Magnolias

1. steel magnolia
A southern woman who is strong and independent yet very feminine.

The past two weekends have been filled with six very important women in my life. My mom and five of her best friends since childhood; all Carolina girls, have been visiting for two weeks. Last weeks dinner party at my house proved to be very enlightening about my favorite "proper southern women." I was generously given words of wisdom, lessons learned, and encouragement. My theory on this is that when women reach a certain age, they no longer feel the need for propriety or to sugar coat the truth to protect the innocent. I was feeling pretty innocent. I laughed hysterically and felt so loved and encouraged by these women who have touched my heart. I heard stories that surprised me, some that didn't, and above all else I felt love and true friendship. They are all beautiful southern women who have inner strength of steel and all of the delicate beauty of my favorite southern flower. I cannot repeat the stories to protect the innocent. Well, at least I cannot repeat them on the blog.

Now I know how Wile E. feels....

On beautifully polished, hardwood floors I had the most unfortunate and painful "wipe out" yesterday. Lesson 1...baby smooth pedicured feet are too slippery on freshly polished floors. Lesson 2...land on the "cushy" part next time. Lesson 3...keep your head out of the clouds! (Daydreaming can be hazardous to your health!)

It was not graceful! It was probably a lot like an episode of Lucy or poor Wile E. Coyote...the slow motion fall, both feet off the floor, stars spinning around my head.

I have a contusion from my lower hip to my lowest rib and every bit of associated pain, even my pride is bruised. I believe I will start taking calcium this week. As I lie there assessing the damage, before I could move, I remembered that petite, Caucasian women with blue eyes have the highest risk of osteoporosis. Once I realized my bones were probably not broken, I felt a little relief. Today I have been gingerly walking and sitting, tonight I am going to indulge in a little Percocet and Arnica gel. A few soft kisses here and there would probably help me heal up. :-)

Father and son adrift at sea

"An autistic boy who spent 12 hours stranded in the Atlantic Ocean enjoyed himself during his ordeal, his father told CNN. Walter Marino said his son, Christopher, 12, doesn't fear death because of his disease and therefore remained calm. Above, a rescuer pulls Christopher from the water Sunday."

There are many blessings that come along with Autism, and I am not sure if my own son "doesn't fear" or is just "really brave." At times, I have wondered about this. All I can say is, Thank God this boy is safe.

Fearlessness, complete honesty, unconditional love, joy....maybe some facets of Autism are a gift.

Love

Palin Power!

Wow! I am excited about this campaign and proud to be voting for McCain and Palin. I'll admit, I cried on impact of her words about special needs children. Although she cut funding in Alaska for services for special needs children; in all fairness, she cut funding across the board. I think Mrs. Palin's life is going to be changing in many ways beyond becoming our next VP. I think if anyone can handle it, she can. Good choice, Sarah!!!!

No, I am not "revisiting" that relationship

Please don't panic. I am not letting my heart fall prey to that heartache again. I have been looking for closure on that chapter for quite some time now and I feel it clearly now. I posted the poems so I could stop reading them to my friends. They were beautiful and thoughtful, and moved me deeply....but not deeply enough. Moving to Colorado has been healing in many ways and the clean air and beautiful vistas have helped to restore me. I am so happy to be here. Every day I am more happy to be here.

We are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel on the house work. Don't get me wrong; there is still a good year of work to do to make it what we want, but it is habitable now and feels like home. I keep watching HGTV to regenerate my energy and love of renovation, but that is fast becoming futile. I think I may just need to rest a while and spend some time doing other things I love.

Hmmm...did I mention the scenery in Colorado is restoring me? I am inspired and hopeful. Life is good.

Sad, but true...

George Bush could cure cancer tomorrow and Friday's headlines would read: “New Healthcare Crisis on Horizon: Thousands of doctors and nurses face unemployment.”

For Jenni

last night ended not as i had wanted and this morning came too early.

i staggered up the hill to my appointment with overheated caffine fighting its way through the resistance of my grumpy thoughts. . .

then I thought of you back then, still alseep in our bed
like an angel
tired and still
perfect

a mermaid
tangled in a golden net
of her own hair

and I smiled because I love you so very much and the image of you sleeping in our bed made me feel really good. . .

He was thinking of me.....

you are kicking around my mind
i imagine you waking to the alarm clock w/ a frown and a moan of discontent
maybe you hit the snooze
you get up
you stomp your pretty little feet
to the bathroom and blind
the mirror with the day's first glimpse
of your sapphire eyes

i wish i could be there for that

i think that whatever we would decide to do
this saturday, it would only be after we slept in
decadently late
maybe made love
maybe watched a West Wing
knowing there would be kissing
caressing
loving on one another....

i hope your shower was nice
and made you think of me
i hope your ions love your hair
like i do

i hope that jake wakes easily
and the lazy dog does as well
i hope that traffic is kind to you
and that you notice
if for only a moment
how beautiful the sky looks this morning

I love you, jennifer
you are on my mind

Love Note to Jenni

Being with the light speed recognition of something
big.

Napalm, ice water and velvet
Sapphire eyes as wide as possibility
And pinning me w/ their light
A step short of helpless
An eternity beyond anything
I’ve ever felt before

There is the possibility of redemption here.
There is the promise of everything I want.
There is the danger of fire and that too,
I want.

Nose Art

Nose Art

Part 1

Into my sight you drop
Whatever it is I am doing,
You kiss me and prove nothing
but I take it as the gospel
according to Neruda.
Stare
inappropriately.
My eyes cannot get enough
Of your eyes
or the way you have of looking
exactly like the reason men painted
Girls on the metal noses of their ships.
Because what red-blooded American boy
Doesn’t love the thought of climbing aboard the girl
That will eventually end him?

Part 2

You kiss me on a street corner
Dressed in white dots
stretched across the blue
fabric stretched across the promise
of your skin.
Teetering over retro heels and taking me
on that heady trip
at the velocity of falling.
Sick with fear and my love
trip hammer heart flying
towards its’ final beat
too drunk with heat to notice
as you step out to powder your nose
And it’s then that I see the ground rushing to meet me.

(I can't believe someone wrote this for me, but I cherish it.)

20 Year Reunion-Doherty Class of 1988

The Outer Banks of North Carolina

We recently spent 5 days in the Outer Banks of North Carolina with friends. For my friends out west who do not know the Outer Banks, they are a series of barrier islands along the coast of North Carolina. You more commonly hear them referred to by the names of the little towns and villages along the way; Nags Head, Coralla, Kitty Hawk, Hatteras, Manteo, Okracoke, Rodanthe...and so on. I have spent so much time here over the past 8 years that I feel like a local at times. I love the slow pace, friendly people, beach, food, and most of all the blue-green depths of the Atlantic. This was a beautiful week. The weather couldn't have been more cooperative or beach friendly, and the company was outstanding. Napping on a private beach, visiting lighthouses and places haunted by Pirates, Putt-Putt, and lovely dinners on the water. Jake climbed a giant Live Oak draped in Spanish Moss which was on the beach. He perched up on a top branch for about an hour surveying his kingdom and all that he rules. At 17 this was the first real tree climbing experience. (One reason not to live in the big city when you have children.) I learned a little trivia on this visit- the reason for the name "Nags Head." In the 1700's when Pirates roamed the Outer Banks, they would walk a Nag along the shore with a lantern hung around its neck...back and forth, to act as a beacon to ships at sea and trick them into believing they had found safe harbor. The ships would spot the light, follow it in to shore, then crash into the shoals and rocky base of the shallow inlets. The Pirates would swoop in to claim the "booty" for themselves. That part of the coast is also known as the "Graveyard of the Atlantic." Blackbeard, or Edward Teach, was the most notorious of pirates associated with this region. If you are ever on the right coast it is worth a visit.

Finding your way home

This is the place that calls to my heart when I close my eyes thinking of what I consider home. I said, "a place," because honestly home is where your heart is, as cliche as it sounds, and thinking of a place to associate those feelings is just the packaging. Maybe it's part of my genetic code to feel at home in the Carolinas. Maybe living there now isn't practical or reasonable at all. I believe this to be true. But, I still dream of fireflies at twilight, spanish moss dripping from Live Oaks, the sweet smell of Magnolias and the sea breeze, resting in a hammock with a good book and tall glass of iced tea, childhood memories, college memories, and those I have made as an adult, while languishing in the home of my family. I had always thought South Carolina would once again become my home, in the physical sense. Sometimes, life has to be more practical than that, more of what we need and less of what we want. I am in a place right now, struggling to make choices that are right for my family and those I love, emotionally tearing myself into pieces. I am wishing for God and the stars to navigate me on this journey, help me to know which path to take and to bring us safely home.

Instinct...memories at a cellular level

Last night I slept restlessly and woke to an ache in my heart that I thought was a distant memory. As I took some moments to myself to reflect, it occurred to me that this day, two years ago, was a very significant day...although I didn't know it then, at that moment. I am not going to reflect for you on the particular event or how it makes me feel today to acknowledge it. I just find it fascinating that somewhere on a much deeper level, practically cellular, my heart remembered and respectfully pointed it out. I also find comfort in knowing that it was the beginning that called to me and not the end. "For those who trust in God, in the pain of sorrow there is consolation, in the face of despair there is hope, in the midst of death there is life.'' Father C.

Inspection Complete...No arrests!

Ringling Brothers & Barnum Bailey received a surprise, on-site inspection by Jake this week. The elephants were clean, well groomed, well fed, and not mistreated as far as we could tell. The handlers seemed to handle the Pachyderm Performers with respect and love. Additionally, we learned that Ringling Brothers has an Elephant Sanctuary in Florida where they rest their animals and care for them. This was good news. There were no injuries to the clowns during our visit. (Now what will I do with all of this duct tape?) It was actually quite the opposite. Jake bonded with a few clowns and eventually we were plucked out of our seats to join the festivities in the Circus! I was not prepared to wear the Billo the Clown Hat, or to be paraded around the ring...but there we were. Imagine Jake's thrill to be out on the floor with Elephants, Arabian horses, clowns and all types of circus performers. It was a good day and our family did not end up hearing news about us on CNN as anticipated.

Hooray for the Elephants!

Day of Rest...for us at least.

Today, Jake and I went to the National Mall for the Firefighter Combat Challenge with a group of friends. The morning was full of promise for a warm sunny day. Well, at least it was sunny! Thank goodness for a sweet young guy from ACFD who cloaked me in his gear to keep me warm. Did I mention, too young? LOL. Obstacle courses were set up to challenge the firefighters in a timed race. Dressed out in full fire-fighting gear, with masks and tanks, boots, and all the heavy protection, they raced to climb a five story tower where they pulled up a 40 lb bucket, arm over arm until it was secure on the top. Then they raced back down not missing a step, picked up a sledge hammer and whacked a solid beam five feet! Off and running through the course they raced down for a fully charged fire hose (250 lbs) and ran back with it to put out a a flame, grab the victim (crash dummy weighing 175 lbs) and dragging him out to safety through the finish line. I believe the best score was 1 minute and 40 seconds. It was impressive and a great thing for a teenage boy to watch. Jake was busy cheering for the ACFD. One of our favorite moments of this day was the K-9 from DCPD who was allowed to receive some lovin' from us on our walk across the mall.

Smokey Bear ~ My Hero!

Today was my second opportunity to meet my childhood hero, Smokey Bear. We were on the National Mall playing hookie for a day when we ran into Smokey outside of the National Park Service tent at the event we were visiting. Jake doesn't quite understand the significance of Smokey to me, and it may take some explaining, which I am happy to do. Growing up in Montana and Colorado, Smokey Bear was very much a part of everything we learned about safety and being good stewards of the Earth. In schools today, I am not sure he even plays a role in educating children about the dangers of fire, but he should. I can still hear him say, "Only you can prevent forest fires." And, Woodsie the Owl should be around too-" Woo Woo-Give a Hoot Don't Pollute!"

Jake's Items~The Supply List

Bolt Cutters- for the chains
Duct tape- for the clowns
X-ray Vision glasses to see better in the dark

Blue and Green hair gel-disguise

ACFD Baseball caps-disguise

Peanuts and watermelon-for the elephants

Walkie-talkies

Flash lights

Circus tickets~ the irony in that!
Dinner Friday night....or was it the planning phase for the mission? The list was even more detailed and thought out. Does any one have any proof that I can offer him, that circuses have reformed and are treating elephants well? I do love his dedication to the cause.

DUCT TAPE!

I will probably get hate mail for this, but I have never liked clowns. Tonight I was finally informed why they are so awful. Jake and I were having dinner and sitting across from one another quietly, when he stopped eating, looked up at me and with a very serious tone said, "We need to get Duct Tape."

Momentarily confused and almost hesitant to ask why, I asked Jake why we needed duct tape. His response, "The clowns. We will need to duct tape the clowns when we sneak in to the circus to set the elephants free."

The wheels of justice have been turning in Jake's elephant loving heart. A lot of thought is taking place now. I am interested in his thoughts and although I need to discourage him from duct taping anyone, I appreciate that he doesn't want the clowns holding the elephants hostage and using a bull whip on them. Good thing we saved all of the duct tape left from the days following 9/11. It may not be a total waste after all. LOL.